What did I get out of spending three years of my life isolated and away? Money in my savings? Work and life experience? Maybe a deeper understanding of my relationship? No. None of that. I got a cat and dog who I love, but that is the extent of the good that came out of it for me.
Despite paying no rent, I made practically no money as my job was to housekeep the motels we ran. I was paid minimum wage and left with just over a grand in savings. I came back with notably less money than that. In Maine I was promised by The Company that I could be trained in facilities maintenance and work that side of it since there were only TWO maintenence workers for the ENTIRE Aroostook county. When it came time to put nuts to butts, when we actually had time to train me because I wasn't busting my ass housekeeping, I trained for one week with the head of the department because HE wanted to train me. Then he was told to stop and shut it down by the owners because we weren't profitable enough to 1. warrant training and 2. hire another maintenence worker. So I got no pay increase, and infinitely worse- no experience. Now I'm back in a state where all the maintenence/facilities jobs want one+ years of experience in the field for an entry (what a joke) level position. I am not even qualified for the empty and hiring facilities job at my old movie theater. And did I mention that the scam that is Insurance is even more expensive in Florida? And that I need all the bells and whistles because of the bank loan I had to take to get a car that could survive a Maine winter? And that isn't even taking into account having to pay to register the car, get a new license, and get a new license plate too. Basically, I'm all dried up of every penny I have in max three months. At least it truly doesn't matter what I spend the scraps on at this point.
At least the personal side can't be that bad, right? Jokes on you, there's barely a personal side to it. I left to Maine with the same person I came back with and neither of us grew or changed. We stagnated and interacted primarily with only each other for THREE YEARS. And the last year of it has been pretty much devoid of intimacy. So why are we still together? Shared trauma? The pets? The fact that this is the third time in our lives we've gravitated towards each other? Who knows. I sure as hell don't know what she gets out of this relationship. I'm not financially stable, barely mentally stable, I'm not good looking, I'm not at a point in my life where I want a child, I don't enjoy spending time with her family, our similar interests don't look so similar anymore, I don't enjoy talking in circles about nothing that matters. I don't get it. Should I take it as a good thing that she wants to stay? Or is she just resigned to our situation, like I am?
I'm dooming and mental booming, I know. But it's hard to look up when everything outside is even shittier than this. I've moved on from my time in Maine, but not moved up in the world. So what were those three years worth? I've compared it to covid 2.0 because it feels like everything just stopped. Except now I'm back in the real world and it didn't stop, it kept growing and worsening and I'm just a small little boy trying in vain to find some meaning to it all.